Music & Musings: “Thy Will” by Hillary Scott

I was listening to my music on shuffle last night and this song came on. Then this morning on the way to write, it came on again. I started thinking about where I am in life, my actions and thoughts, and what I want moving forward. I sat and listened to the lyrics so deeply, over and over. Allowing them to hit my spirit and speak to me.

 

 

 

 

All lyrics in the quoted, purple text are written by Bernie Herms, Hillary Scott, Emily Lynn Weisband • Copyright © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, Universal Music Publishing Group. Retrieved from Google Play Music. 

 

I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

 

I lived in this place for a very long time. I am coming out of it now, slowly. I feel like my heart has been coming back together and I am finding myself willing and able to love again and give of myself in new ways. I am open to new experiences and feelings, while trying to also find the balance between having learned how to feel so much that sometimes I am too emotional and being the stoic individual I used to be with all my walls built up high. I have become very sensitive when I care about others, which is not the most awful thing in the world but causes some issues for me when I take things the wrong way (could be the 11 year old inner child trying to come out as well, as I have seen a pattern regarding when I am most sensitive). I think about how my broken heart never surprised God though. Nothing is going on right now that He didn’t know was coming into my life. I have been broken hearted for way more than the 10 years since my divorce. I have been broken hearted since I was 11, and I just reached the point this past year where I was done with that state.

 

As I have been on this quest to truly understand my purpose and path, I have realized that my experiences have all led me to this place where I am who I am today. Where I am willing to speak up and use my voice even when I know it may not be the popular opinion. I no longer want to sit back and see a hurting world hurt and not say something. I no longer want to just watch the world die around me (and I am not talking in a spiritual sense) because they are afraid to go after the things that they are called to. If I had my way, every person I come in contact with would KNOW their purpose and LIVE it fully. SO FULLY THAT THEY ARE ONE WITH THEIR MISSION. But I know before that can happen I need to get to that place myself, and I have been double minded in that area: to write full time or to go back to work? To go this way or that way? I have been so indecisive, and maybe that is why the song hit me so very hard last night and today… because I KNOW that I need to make a decision and stick with it despite the fear I feel inside. Despite the struggle to know how to do it AND make money that can support my family without compromising my integrity by working on content I don’t love and want to co-sign.

 

And so that brought me to the prayer I was praying last night on another issue as this song came on:

 

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

 

Funny how simple it is to say that from this position. Unlike Christ in the Garden (Matthew 26:42) my plea comes not from a place of desperation and knowing that I am about to go to the cross, but from a place of discomfort and whining. And I wondered as I wrote the words, and again today as I listened to the song, and even right now: Do I really mean it? 

 

To say “Thy will be done” is to believe that His thoughts toward me are truly the best thoughts. That Romans 8:28 and Matthew 7:11 combined with Jeremiah 29:11 and Joel 2:25 are promises I can take to task because I am seeking Him first (Matthew 6:33). To say “Thy will be done” is to believe that what I want for my life compares not to what He wants to do and that He truly will blow my mind as it notes in Ephesians 3:20. It is to say to God, “Regardless that I really want this job, this partner, this house, this way of life, I trust that everything I dream for myself is small compared to what You want for me and I trust You to bring it to pass. And even though it hurts right now as I press forward toward these goals and it is taking a really long time to get there, I trust you to provide and that when I get there it will be so much better than what I had and what I want.” But do I mean that?

 

Do I really believe God for that yet? I see some things coming together and even this weekend I got a word from a young man who prayed with me about the career aspect of my life that God is about to blow my mind, which is something I have felt deep inside my being for a while now. But DO I REALLY BELIEVE?

 

Last night I prayed that the Lord would forgive my doubt, my unbelief, my constant questioning of what He is doing. That He would help me to release my control issues and surrender to His leading and will. That He would hep me hear Him in new ways, because I don’t want this relationship of DOs and Don’ts. I want a RELATIONSHIP with Him (and that is another post for later this week; the difference between the two). I want to walk with Him and not by a list of rules, because I don’t do that with any of my friends so why would I do that with the Creator of the Universe?

 

 

I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So

 

I had to ask myself if I really believe God is good. Do I really believe that He is thinking of things I haven’t yet considered? That He will fill the promises He long ago made to me and the ones He has recently made? And then that line hits: “Sometimes I gotta stop/ Remember that you’re God / and I am not”. OOOMPH.

 

Did you feel that hit? He is God. If I believe that for my life, I can’t be. I can’t be my own idol yet expect HIS WILL to be done in my life because then I am only walking in relationship with myself and not with the Creator. So I have to make choices… will I cry out:

 

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

 

DO I MEAN IT? Can I truly say that if these things I want sooooo badly don’t come to pass that I will be happy waiting here for His best to come to pass? That I can be happy and find purpose in an office or with a team if I end up taking a corporate job and going back to working for someone else because that comes to pass quicker than my business finding clients willing to pay fair prices (it’s truly amazing how little folks want to pay writers to help them with content when they aren’t corporations)? That I can be happy if my future life looks much different from what I have envisioned?

 

Do I mean it?

 

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store

 

I kept saying these words over and over and over and … well, you get the point. I figured if I kept saying them and speaking His promises over myself I would understand it. And I realized at that moment, I had not listened to the Elevation Church sermon from Steven Furtick last week because I was at my own church and then was busy during the week and never stopped to truly listen to it. So I watched it and took notes and it became sooooo clear as he talked about purpose and promises: My dry bones are forming again and the ONLY reason for dry bones to come together, the only reason for me to be in this in-between place, the only reason for me to be here in my hometown healing is because HE IS DOING SOMETHING TRULY LIFE-CHANGING that I would not be able to experience as I was. I couldn’t step into the next phase as the person I was: hard, unwilling to talk about what I had been through fully, unwilling to let people in. I had to be broken to the place of believing in myself and His desires for me again. And that is still in progress because I don’t always believe He wants the best. I need to stop letting CIRCUMSTANCE dictate my actions. I need to stand strong and believe and walk it out. So I meditated on that for a while. A long while.

 

And so for the first time in a while this morning as I sit here and I am able to truly understand and say:

 

So, thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord

And I am still here expectant and hopeful that as we walk this journey together with you believing for your promises and me believing for mine, that if we truly believe that He hears us and see us and wants to bless us and give us more than we can dream of, then we will see it come to pass if we commit to loving Him and walking WITH Him and not by a set of rules. That as we walk according to His heart, we will find ourselves walking IN His purpose and there we will have much to praise. But let’s start today thanking Him for what is to come.

Until next time,

~Shell