Have you ever felt like you aren’t walking the right path for your life? It isn’t a feeling like you are doing things wrong or like you are in a completely inappropriate place, but this feeling like you just aren’t on the path you belong on. You find yourself saying and doing things below the level of performance that you know you belong operating at… you are surrounded by people who are good people but aren’t pushing you to become better, to go higher. You look around you and you feel like maybe somewhere along the way you walked off the course that was your life and started walking a rabbit trail, yet in that trail you found elements of you that you didn’t know existed?
It has been my life these last couple of years since returning to Connecticut. I have felt like I have been living someone else’s life. Taking a corporate job. Living with my parents and giving up all freedom to get ahead while in reality I ended up seemingly going backwards in all the areas in which I had pride. But if I hadn’t made those decisions, I wouldn’t have met the people who are now pushing me to be my best. And I wouldn’t have become who I am in this moment thanks to what I experienced over the past few years.
As of two weeks ago, I am back to being a full-time freelance writer. Back to being self-employed and making my life my own. Back to living my truth and earning a living doing what I LOVE to do – help people build relationships and connect with others intimately. Which is ironic since intimacy scares me and I have only been so with a few people over the past years (speaking about true intimacy not the romantic kind).
I have been extremely uncomfortable lately. I have been going through this vortex of sorts in which I know I need to level up but I have been afraid to fully jump from the world I know. The world in which I know my limits and others’ expectations. Into this world where I have to trust beyond myself and believe in my abilities and believe I am so much more than life has allowed me to see within myself. It is an interesting experience because I have never fully believed in myself up until now, and the more I see my worth the more uncomfortable I become with some of the things in my life that I am giving away and doing.
In wandering off the path I believe I was supposed to be on, I found myself. I found my worth and value. I found my gifts and talents. I found my skills and abilities. I found my confidence. I also found things about myself I need to fix (we will be exploring those in future posts as I process them more deeply). I found things to nurture and things that have to go.
One of the things I have been dealing with lately are my commitment issues and the reality that I am still so afraid of commitment that I can’t even finish a shampoo bottle. I buy a new one and throw out what is unused in the old one. It says so much about me. As I am learning to fall more in love with myself and commit to myself, I am sure I will learn to commit to other things; however, the first thing I have to deal with is why I commit to things I know aren’t aligned with the journey I am on long-term. I have to address why I spend some much time investing in others but so little investing in myself. And then, only then will I truly find my voice and reality. As I wandered off the path I thought I was to be on, I actually found the path that contains my healing and growth. I found my life in giving it up to please others. I found love in wandering off a path on which I was comfortable and choosing one that has been consistently more and more uncomfortable.
I had to get lost to find myself.
I had to wander off the path I knew to find this one that is my journey.
I wandered off my path of hardness and walls and not allowing anyone in.
But in my wandering I also realized so much about my identity and how I was living and the fact that I was not living to my potential. I have to allow myself to embrace God more fully in terms of believing He has great plans for me. I believe it to a level and then I look at reality and feel He is holding back. However, some would say that I am in a period of set up for great breakthrough. But can I trust my life in someone else’s hands?
Within HIS hands.
Within God’s hands.
I don’t know where this path leads but I have to finish exploring it: loops and patterns and all. I have to allow myself to see where it goes. I don’t know what tomorrow holds. It could be heartbreak and pain. Or it could be celebration and this understanding that God truly does want the best for us. Whatever it is, I trust. And that is all I can do. I trust so much that I believe the thought below will one day be the truth I share about this moment – no matter how it works out – whether we end, stay friends, or become life partners who conquer empires and enjoy building kingdoms together.
It was when I lost my footing that I found out who I was. It was by backtracking and following the same patterns I’d tried to let go of that I discovered my passions and strengths. As I hopped off the crazy eight loop I’d been traveling and decided to walk a straight line and commit to something fully for the first time in my life, I realized: only in getting lost could I have discovered who I was all along. And with that knowledge, I never looked back again.
What I do know is that I am finally at a place in life, after all these years, where I am submitting my life to the power of now, the power of God, and the power of life to guide me by the Spirit and lead me into my truth – whatever that looks like, whoever it is with, wherever it may take me. Because I want to live my best life and build amazing things with God and my family.
The girl who never thought she would love again has found herself falling in love with the God of the universe, with herself, and with life. The girl who felt she was so lost she would never be found has not only found herself but helped others find their truth. And the girl who thought my fortress was fully armed has looked to see I am fully okay with someone stepping inside with me. That truth will end up setting me free, whatever the outcome.
Until next time,